Three years ago today I made a decision to leave my abusive husband with my three month old son. I knew the risks that I would take. I knew I would be losing my financial security, my home, my marriage, etc. But my safety and the safety of my son were more important to me. I would rather be homeless than be tormented by the violence of my marriage. I would rather be penniless and on welfare than be trapped in the chains of hellish abuse. I knew from the research that I did that my husband wouldn't change but that the situation would only worsen.
What I didn't know at the time is that leaving an abusive relationship is when the violence usually explodes. Most homicides involving domestic violence typically happen just after the victim leaves the abuser. This is due mainly to the fact that the abuser feels they are losing control of the victim and the situation.
The very best way to get out of an abusive relationship is to 1) do it safely and 2) have a plan. Below is a Safety Plan designed specifically for a victim to separate themselves from an abusive situation. It is an excellent resource. A Word document of this is provided on our website at www.signalonministries.org.
Please feel free to pass this on!
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Step
1: Safety during a violent incident
I
can't always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, I can use
some or all of the following strategies:
A. Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells
or fire escapes would I use?
If
I decide to leave, I will:
B. I can keep my purse and car keys ready, always being sure to keep them in a
certain place so that I can leave quickly. I can also leave a set of keys with
a trusted friend or relative. I will make sure they know WHY so they don't
accidentally let it slip if my abuser talks with them. I can put a set in my
desk drawer at work or hidden somewhere on the outside of my home. I can get a
magnetic key box that attaches under the fender of the car.
I
can stash keys at:
C. I can tell certain neighbors about the situation and request they call the
police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.
My
trusted neighbors and their phone numbers are:
D. I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact police and
medical help by using 911. I can make sure my children know their full names,
our address and other important information in case they need to call for help
or we get separated because of violence. I can teach my children to run to a neighbor's
house or a nearby public place if violence occurs.
I
will teach and practice with my children:
E. Because I might be in danger and not able to talk freely, I will devise a
code for my children, family, friends or co-workers so they will know that I
need them to call for help on my behalf. For example, I might say that
"today is my cousin Shirley's birthday" - I don't HAVE a cousin
Shirley so my support system will know that if I use this phrase, I might be in
danger.
My
code for getting help from friends, family, co-workers and my children can be:
F. Since I might have to leave my home quickly, I should be aware of where I
might go in an emergency. I need to select public places, preferably places
that are open 24 hours a day and close to my home. Hospitals, convenience
stores, restaurants and grocery stores are likely to be open, have pay phones
where I can dial 911 for help, and room INSIDE for me to wait for police to
arrive.
NOTE: As part of
your safety plan, you MUST find out in advance if your local police station is
manned 24 hours a day! Victims have been gunned down by abusers in front of
police stations because they fled to police offices during evening or weekend
shifts - only to find out that the doors were locked and they could only speak
to a dispatcher on the phone thus leaving them as sitting ducks - waiting
around for an officer to show up. Police officers are usually on patrol in
their vehicles and many police stations and sub-stations are NOT manned 24
hours a day.
Places
I can go in case of violence or crisis are:
G. When I believe that an argument or violence are about to happen, I can
minimize the risk of physical injury to myself by trying to get to a room that
has access to an outside door, by avoiding rooms that provide easy weapons for
my abuser such as knives in the kitchen or fighting in rooms where an abuser
keeps a gun, or rooms where I might get trapped such as the bathroom (since
bathroom doors are usually not reinforced they are VERY easy to kick in).
The
safest places in my home for confrontation include:
Step
2: Making it easier to leave
When
I leave the residence I share with an abuser, I must plan carefully to increase
safety for myself and my children. If my abuser believes that I am trying to
escape, they may strike back or increase the violence to try to get me to stay.
I can use some or all the following safety strategies:
A. In order to increase my ability to identify myself and my children, to apply
for various types of aid and assistance and to keep me from having to return to
the residence and possibly confront an angry abuser, I will keep copies or
photocopies of important documents that I can grab quickly if I need to leave:
* Identification for myself
* Children's birth certificate
* My birth certificate
* Social security cards
* School and vaccination records
* Money
* Checks, ATM card
* Credit cards
* Keys - house/car/office
* Driver's license and registration
* Welfare identification, work permits, Green card
* Passport(s), Divorce papers
* Medical records
* Lease/rental agreement, deeds, mortgage payment book
* Bank books, Insurance papers
* Pet licenses, vet receipts or paperwork establishing your ownership
* Password to any online accounts
This website provides a worksheet for tracking important information that I
should have with me when leaving. The information will help to protect my
identity, continue access to important accounts, and provide crucial
information to law enforcement should I decide to press charges, file for a
protection order, etc. This worksheet is "disguised" as an
"Emergency Preparedness Kit", like the Hurricane Kits provided by
agencies like FEMA, to minimize the possibility that my abuser will know the
real purpose of the worksheet.
Download the
worksheets.
B. I will be calmer and feel more in control under stress if I am aware of
resources waiting to help me, if I know how to contact them, and have an idea
of the assistance available to me. I can either ask the police to help me get
to safety with friends or family or I can contact my local domestic violence
program.
My
local domestic violence program is:
C. I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I should NOT use a
telephone calling card linked to my phone bill, because my abuser will be able
to tell what friends, family or other numbers I have called. To keep my
communications private, I will use change or prepaid calling cards. (For cheap
calls, even international calls, try
Pingo.com.)
I
can keep change or calling cards:
NOTE: Using a
cell phone is NOT safe and can put you in danger! An abuser who knows your cell
number, your name and the last four digits of your social security number can
probably access your account with your cell phone service provider and report
your phone lost or stolen, in which case your phone service will be turned OFF.
Abusers with this information may also be able to view your detailed billing
via the internet and thus know exactly who you have been calling for help. If
using a cell phone, you MUST call your cell company and put a password on your
account to prevent access. You must also check to see if online access is
activated for your account and either disable it or change the password. Be
aware that if your abuser's name is also on the account, they can show photo
identification to the cell phone company and gain access again and/or reset the
passwords. If your abuser has your cell service suspended, you should be aware
that as long as your phone is charged, your phone will still dial two numbers:
611 for customer service and 911 for emergencies. Nextel phones may be an exception.
D. If my abuser is not arrested at the time of a violent incident, I cannot be
sure that it will be safe for me to return home to pick up items I might need.
In order to be prepared, I can:
Leave
an extra set of clothes for myself and my children and several days of any
required medications at:
E. If I need to return to my residence, I will call my local police or sheriff
and request a "domestic violence standby" to ensure my safety. I will
go to a place close to my residence and call to have them meet me there. They
will follow me to my residence and wait while I collect some things. I will
make sure to ask the officer for a business card or a name and badge number. I
might also fill this officer in on the circumstances and ask them to keep an
extra eye on my residence.
Phone
number of police/sheriff:
I will ask them to meet me at:
Items
to take include:
* Medication
* Children's favorite toys and/or blankets
* Small saleable objects
* Address book
* Pictures, jewelry
* Items of special sentimental value
Step
3: Safety in my own residence
Once
I am able to return home or obtain alternate housing, there are many things I
can do to increase safety in my own residence. It may be impossible to do
everything at once, but safety measures can be added step by step. Safety
measures I can use include:
A. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.
B. I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors.
C. I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars,
poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc. I might be able to get
a free security system from ADT security. I will ask my local domestic violence
program for information.
D. I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows.
E. I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor
in my house/apartment.
F. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is
coming close to my house.
G. I can use a panic button system from ADT to alert authorities that I am in
imminent danger.
Be sure to speak with advocates at your local law enforcement agency and/or
domestic violence program about these steps. Often there are programs that can
help get these things done for you or cover the costs.
Step
4: Safety with an Order of Protection
It
is impossible for me to know if my abuser will obey a protection orders or not.
I recognize that I may need to ask the police and the court to enforce my
protection order. The following are some steps that I can take to help the
enforcement of my protection order:
A. I will keep my protection order on or near me at all times. I can also keep
copies in the car, at the office, etc.
B. I will give copies of my protection order to police departments in the
communities where I usually visit family or friends, and in the community where
I live.
C. For further safety, if I often visit other counties in my area, I might file
my protection order with the court in those counties.
I
will register my protection order in the following counties:
D. I can check to make sure my order is listed in the registries of counties
where I live and work by calling the Clerk of the Court and/or the sheriff's
office for each county.
Local
county contact numbers:
E. I can call the local domestic violence program if I am not sure about any
item above or if I have some problem with my protection order.
F. I can inform my employer, my minister, my closest friend and others that I
have a protection order in effect.
G. If my protection order gets lost or stolen, I can get another copy.
The
closest Court Clerk's Office is located at:
H. If my protection order is violated, I can call the police and report a
violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of
the violation.
I. If the police do not help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and will
file a complaint with the chief of the police department or the county
sheriff's office.
J. I can also file a private criminal compliant with the district justice in
the jurisdiction where the violation occurred or with the district attorney. I
can charge my abuser with a violation of the Order of Protection and all the
crimes that he or she commits in violating the order. I can call my local domestic
violence advocate to help me with this.
Step
5: Safety on the job and in public
Relationship
violence is the number one cause of death of women in the workplace! While it
might be important for me to try to continue to work during this situation, I
might be at continued risk from violence from my abuser. My employer and
co-workers can help to protect me if I inform them of the situation. I might do
any or all of the following:
A. I can inform my boss, my secretary, the security supervisor and the police
department near my office of my situation.
B. I can ask co-workers to help screen my telephone calls at work.
C. When leaving work, I can try to leave with other people or I can ask
security to walk me out. If I know I will be leaving after dark or working
late, I can move my car closer to the entrance while at lunch or on my break.
D. If problems occur when driving around, I can flag down a law enforcement
officer or other public safety official, drive to a local hospital or get to
some other public place.
E. If I use public transit, I can get off at a different stop than my abuser
might expect, inform the driver that someone might be stalking me, or wait to
exit until I see that other people will be exiting also.
F. I might go to different grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my
business and shop at hours that are different than those when residing with my
abuser.
G. I can use a different bank and take care of my banking at hours different
from those I used when residing with my abuser, arrange for direct deposit, or
ask a trusted co-worker to take my deposit for me.
Other
things I might do include:
Step
6: Safety when using drugs or alcohol
The
legal consequences of using or possessing illegal drugs can hurt my
relationship with my children and put me at a disadvantage in other legal
actions concerning my abuser and/or the custody of my children. The use of any
alcohol or other drug can reduce my ability to act quickly to protect myself
and my children from an abuser. I can enhance safety for myself and my children
by:
A. If I am going to use drugs or alcohol, I can do so in a safe place and with
people who understand the risk of violence against me and are committed to my
safety.
B. If I am going to use drugs or alcohol, I need to do so apart from my
children, after I have arranged for them to be in the care of a competent
adult.
C. If I am going to use drugs or alcohol, I need to ensure that I have a safe
way to return home, such as a designated driver.
D. If I am using drugs or alcohol to cope with anxiety, depression or stress, I
can help to ensure my ability to care for myself and my children by finding
better coping mechanisms and replacing destructive behaviors with more positive
activities such as joining a support group, increasing my exercise, and finding
activities that I can do with my children.
Step
7: Safety and my children
A.
In the event that my partner takes my children, I will teach my children how to
use the telephone to call to me (including how to call collect) and how to use
911. I can make sure that if my child has a cellphone, that there are multiple
numbers my child can use to contact me. I can "disguise" some of
these numbers in case my partner erases my numbers (like listing my numbers under
"School Bus" or other name my partner isn't likely to consider).
I
will teach and practice with my children:
B. I will tell people who take care of my children what persons have permission
to pick up my children and that my partner is not permitted to do so. If I have
a custody order, I need to give copies to schools, after school programs,
sports programs, etc.
The
people I will inform about pick-up permission include:
School:
Day Care staff:
Babysitter:
Sunday school teacher:
Teacher/Principal:
And:
C. I can inform neighbors, pastor and friends that my partner no longer resides
with me and they should call the police if observed near my residence.
D. If immigration issues exist, or if I believe my partner may try to leave the
country with my child(ren), I can contact the US Department of State, Office of
Children's Issues at 1-888-407-4747 to ensure that a visa or passport cannot be
obtained for the child(ren). I can also ask their help in contacting the
embassy for the country my partner might try to flee to for the same reason.
Step
8: Financial safety and independence
I
realize that financial control is one of the biggest factors that could keep me
tied to an abusive relationship.
A. Not only does lack of my own personal money cause stress for me and reduce
the options for myself and my children, but the lack of privacy around my money
can be another way that my partner monitors me or tries to control me. My
partner might be able to monitor my spending and gain information about my
activities and my location. I can protect my privacy by:
- Using cash and limiting the use of credit cards since
my partner might be able to see my transactions online or might have
enough information to access my account by phone.
- Talking with my bank or looking online to see if my
account can be accessed or monitored via the internet - then changing any
passwords or restricting online access. Just as with cell phones, if my
partner's name is on the account, they can show photo ID at the bank and
gain access again.
- Stashing enough cash to cover several days in a hotel
and meals just in case I need it.
B.
To increase my independence, I can open a savings account. If I am concerned
that my abuser will find out, I will use my work address or a friend's address
to keep this account private or I can visit
www.ingdirect.com
to open a savings account that operates entirely online so no account
statements will arrive in the mail. There are no fees and no minimums to open
an account online.
C. Credit is another way that my partner might try to cripple me, which might
include: keeping my credit accounts maxed out so that I can't use them,
canceling accounts that I might use, or opening accounts without my knowledge
to drive my credit score down. I can combat these credit controls by:
- Contacting each credit card company and finding out for
sure which ones you are personally and legally responsible for. In some
cases, I might be seen as an account holder, while in other cases I may
only be a user on my partner's account. Knowing which accounts are truly
tied to my personal credit will allow me to decide which accounts to
rescue and which accounts to bypass.
- For cards that I am liable for, I can ask the credit card
company to help my family through our time of crisis. The card company
might suspend late fees and interest for up to a year, if I agree not to
use the card (it will likely be suspended). This will help to keep my
account from getting further and further in the hole and give me an
opportunity to salvage the accounts and end up with decent credit if I am
able to make small payments each month.
- I can contact my local credit counseling agency - or my
local domestic violence program or United Way for a referral in my area - who can
help me to begin separating me from joint accounts. They might also be
able to help me to negotiate lower payments and pay-off rates with my
existing accounts.
- Getting a copy of my credit report to see what accounts
show up under my name to get a true picture of my credit situation. Under
the Fair Credit Reporting Act I am entitled to one free credit report
disclosure in a 12 month period. To request this free annual disclosure I
must contact the Central Source. To contact the Central Source on-line,
visit www.annualcreditreport.com.
I can also contact the Central Source to request this free annual
disclosure by calling toll free (877) FACT-ACT or by using the mail request
form available at the Central Source website. I can find out how to
correct, contest, or question anything on my credit report by visiting www.equifax.com.
- Visiting with a local bankruptcy attorney. Many give
free seminars in the evenings or on weekends to answer questions about
options related to credit cards and other financial matters. I can check
my phone book yellow pages under - Attorneys: Bankruptcy - to find a free
seminar near me.
- Asking others to help me. Credit card companies,
landlords, utility companies and others may be willing to extend payment
due dates, waive late fees or other fines, and make alternate payment
arrangements if they are alerted to your situation by a proper authority -
which might include law enforcement, the prosecutor or State Attorney's
office or your local domestic violence program. If I have sought help from
one or more of these agencies, I can ask them to further assist me in this
regard.
Step
9: Safety and my emotional health
The
experience of being abused and verbally degraded is usually exhausting and
emotionally draining. The process of building a new life takes much courage and
incredible energy. To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid
hard emotional times, I can do some of the following:
A. Use "I can . . . " statements with myself and be assertive with
others.
If
I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can:
When
I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can:
Whenever
I feel that others are trying to control me, I can:
To
help myself feel stronger, I can read:
When
I need support or a shoulder to cry on, I can call:
Things
that I could do or learn that would help me feel stronger are:
Things
that I could do or learn that would help me to become more independent are:
To
help gain support and strengthen relationships with other people, I can attend
workshops or support groups or:
Step
10: Safety by being prepared
A. I will sit
down and review my safety plan, rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate,
practice it with my children.
B. I will keep this document in a safe place and out of the reach of my abuser.
C. I will review this plan each time there is a change in my situation, which
might include: moving to a new location, the serving of legal papers on my
abuser, the arrest of my abuser, the release of my abuser, or any other
significant change or event which could impact the safety of myself and/or my children.
(Safety Plan provided by several different resources, including NCADV, various state coalitions, organizations.)
