Why Victims Stay

This is a great article about why some domestic violence victims stay with their abuser or return to their abuser.  Take time to read the entire article...worth your time!

Long term planning for a violence-free life.

Victims are often surprised at how easy it is for them to take the step of leaving the first time - even for a short while. Indeed, this is a pretty common thing; whether it's going to the home of a friend or family member for a night or two, or checking into a hotel to gain time to gather your thoughts, or even getting into a safehouse or domestic violence shelter. Nature has endowed us with the "fight or flight" response which can, and often does, allow us to take incredibly big steps when our children or our own lives are in immediate danger. When the pain, anger, fear and adrenaline kick into high gear, a hefty number of victims of domestic violence DO take the steps to either call the police or to grab the keys and the kids and leave. 

The hard parts come days, weeks, or months later. Once your heart is out of your throat, the swelling around your eye heals, and you've been able to get a good night sleep or two, you're likely going to be confronted with some of the hundreds of reasons that cause victims of domestic violence to leave and return to their abusive relationships a staggering average of SEVEN times before making a permanent break. Often these returns occur when the victim comes up against some wall that they can't climb; or they find themselves faced with options that they consider worse than going back to their abusive partner.

This often turns out to be a double edged sword. Each time they leave, they learn about the next hurdle they'll need to tackle and are then able to better prepare to leave the NEXT time. But, at the same time, they are returning to an abuser who is nervous that they're losing control of their victim, and is angered that the victim has defied them (again). So each leaving presents new opportunities, yet sets victims in an ever increasing environment of danger as abusers tighten their grip and escalate their abusive behaviors to regain control and punish them for trying to leave. In other section of this site, you'll find information on what abuse is, the many forms it takes, procedures for legal protection measures, and contact lists for who to call for immediate assistance. The following sections are meant to help navigate some of the emotional and practical hurdles you're likely to encounter and get you thinking about long term changes that can help you to build safer, stronger, and healthier lives and relationships for yourself and your family - so that if or when you decide to go, you'll have the best chance to STAY gone, and stay safe.

Emotional Issues

LOVE

GUILT

FEAR

LOSS

Mental Health & Healthcare Issues

SUBSTANCE ABUSE

DEPRESSION

DISABILITIES

Issues with Children

PATERNITY

CUSTODY

VISITATION

CHILD SUPPORT

CHILD CARE

Social and Family Pressures

STAYING FOR THE KIDS

BEING THE ONE "AT FAULT"

BEING THE BLACK SHEEP

Practical Issues & Dependency

HOUSING

TRANSPORTATION

PROPERTY

Financial Barriers

LIVING LOCATION & EXPENSES

JOINT ACCOUNTS

CREDIT

EMPLOYMENT

EDUCATION

Does that mean fear of the abusive partner? Sometimes - but many other fear-factors come into play as well. Some victims fear that losing their relationship means that they will be alone forever - terrifying for some people especially if they've been in their relationship for a long time. The thought of dating again seems impossible - and many no longer trust their own judgement in finding a new partner because of their current violent relationship.

There are other fears as well. Fear of making it on their own, fear of starting over, fear of finding a new place to live or a new job or putting the kids in a new school. Fear of becoming homeless, fear that family and friends will blame THEM for the destruction of the relationship and general fears of the unknown. It's no wonder that statistically, battered women will leave their abusive relationship, even for a short while, SEVEN TIMES before they are able to make a final break.

One of the largest impediments to persons trying to escape family violence is the problem of long-term sustainability. Sure, there are shelters available in almost every city in the country that provide urgently needed safety, shelter and crisis services - but these facilities are limited by many factors including availability of physical space, availability of services, program budgets, available volunteer and staff time and available capacity to provide an adequate level and amount of services to the clientele who seek their help. To make things even MORE complicated, if a battered women has children, is a lesbian, works in the sex industry or is a substance abuser, the services available become even more difficult - both to find and to provide.

In an ideal world, one where every city had a domestic violence program who received 100% of needed funding, one with a full staff of professionals and volunteers trained and diverse enough to provide consistent levels of service to problematic populations (drug users, lesbians, non-English speaking populations) and with enough space and time to address ALL of the problems linked to family violence, the problem could quickly be addressed on a case by case basis and each and every person struggling to free themselves from family violence could, in theory, get all the assistance needed to alleviate the big picture problems.

Back here in the real world however, persons struggling to end the cycle of family violence are often left feeling that there is nowhere to turn. Often the local shelter may be full and unable to take on new clients. Even when there are openings, crisis service programs are often a band-aid that will be removed once the short term hurt is dealt with.

Women with children face the problem of what to do with the kids if they attempt to leave an abuser. What is he snatches them from school? What if he files for custody? What can they do if the shelter doesn't have facilities or doesn't provide services or space for children? Too often, the answer is: they stay.

The same is true for homosexuals who are the victims of violence. Filing a police report or attempting to seek services at a shelter brings the fear of stigmatism, fears of homophobic officers or shelter workers, and fear of being outted to acquaintances, coworkers and others, either by service providers or by the abusing partner. Their answer is too often the same: they stay.

Additionally, persons experiencing family violence who are substance abusers have similarly lesser options available. They may depend on their abuser for their supply of the substance. Trying to get help from law enforcement or other members of "the system" means the fear of going to jail, the fear of being deprived of the substance to which they may be addicted, and the fear that others will view them with less compassion, as if the violence were their own fault. Also, many shelters and programs simply will refuse to accept substance abusers. They may not have the staff, the expertise or the funding to serve a substance abusing population; and quite frankly, substance abusers can bring excessive "baggage" to domestic violence shelters that make it difficult for both the program staff, other participants in the program, and to the user themselves. The result: they too, stay.

Finally, because abusive relationships by their very nature are about one partner controlling another, the partner who is the victim of family violence often doesn't have the same resources available and thus options for leaving that would be present in a non-abusive relationship. Often these are women with little or no formal education (perhaps marrying right out of high school), little or no employment experience, little or no personal credit, assets, or means of support outside of the relationship with their abuser. In some cases, the abuser has also carefully limited their exposure to family, friends, and other means of support. For these women, leaving an abuser might as well be stepping off of a space ship to try to build a new life on the moon. With no apparent means of support, little in the way of experience at independent living, children to feed and clothe, and fear of the repercussions possible from their abusive partner, these women crash into feelings of hopelessness, depression, despair, demoralization and extreme self esteem issues. - and so they stay.

In another section of this website, we discuss making a safety plan covering the short term things that a person trying to escape a violent relationship can and should consider in order to make the initial leaving as safe, practical, well-planned and comprehensive as possible. That's the band-aid. That's the first month. But for any plan, especially one as life-altering as starting over after a violent relationship, long-term strategy is vital. The short-term plan is designed to GET you free. The long-term strategy is designed to KEEP you there.

The following sections will deal with some of the most frequently cited reasons why people in abusive relationships STAY in those relationships. It's not meant to be a definitive road map or "how-to" guide. It won't tell every person seeking a new life free of violence the exact steps to take in the exact order to make life turn out golden brown. It WILL however do several things. It will make you aware of the fact that programs exist BEYOND the short-term emergency shelters that can facilitate more long-term needs. It will expose you to several pilot projects specifically geared to address the needs of special populations seeking life free from relationship violence. It will give you guidance concerning where and how to find and contact the wide variety of resources available to help you in the trapeze transition from shelter to long-term stability. It will tell you where to get help watching the kids, getting an education, finding a job, paying the rent and the utility bill; and, most importantly, hopefully it will demonstrate to you that no matter how dependent you've been on your abusive partner, you CAN survive without them and build a life for yourself and your children.

The very first stumbling block you may encounter is rejection by a local shelter. If you're a drug user, they probably won't accept you. You're high risk to yourself and others. Many shelters will require you to sign something saying that you won't use drugs or alcohol while you are their guest. Your life could depend on it, so if you absolutely can't stay clean while there - you'll need to be up front with yourself about that and then make other arrangements. Depending on where you are, your choices may be limited - sometimes EXTREMELY limited. Historically, domestic violence shelters aren't equipped or able to handle the dual crisis of domestic violence and substance abuse. Some programs, like A New Chapter in Prescott, Arizona, however, are geared specifically to these problems.

This non-profit organization, one of the first of its kind in the nation, started as a substance abuse program. They then bought an apartment building and turned it into a long-term shelter for women and their children fighting domestic abuse. Participants in their program receive substance abuse therapy and case management as well as family therapy and domestic violence case management. Participants can stay in their fully furnished apartments for up to two years - taking that time to get clean and get their lives back on track. Programs offering this kind of comprehensive assistance to the dual substance abuser/victim are scarce, but they are out there if you look. Contact your local United Way office and check out options in your area.

The second stumbling block you may encounter is that of your children. Domestic violence shelters vary widely in the space they have available. Some have regular houses all over town and they put one or two families there for up to whatever constitutes their maximum allowable time. Others operate facilities that are more like barracks. Many are something in between. While almost all accept children, many have a cut-off age, especially for male teens. You'll need to consider this when planning to make your break. Maybe they can stay with other family, friends, etc.

Infants and pre-school age children present other concerns, not only in terms of what to do with them during they day when mom is in counseling, apartment hunting or job hunting, but in terms of special diets, diapers, cribs and other baby supplies. Some shelters include programs for children, and some programs, like Pikes Peak Family Connections in Colorado Springs, Colorado, have special crisis nurseries and services for women with young children. Talk to your local shelter about options. They understand that family violence impacts the entire family (not just the adult parents) and they can help with a wide variety of circumstances.

For gays and lesbians seeking domestic violence services, the first call you should make is to your local gay and lesbian community center. (Check under Human Services, Community Centers or just ask the information operator). Often these programs maintain lists of GLBT friendly service providers in the area and they are best qualified to recommend programs to suit your needs. Many centers also provide free or low-cost private and group therapy services, often provided by GLBT therapists uniquely qualified to understand the nuances of your situation - so be sure to take advantage of these if available.

Once you're out of physical danger and settled at a shelter or other short term arrangement (maybe with family or friends) - it's time to start thinking longer term. The more of your fears you can confront and manage, the less likely you'll be to feel pressured to return to your abusive relationship.

Financial matters are probably going to be foremost on your mind. You'll need to get a clear picture of your financial situation, both so you know where you stand and so that you can accurately apply for the many types of aid which may be available to you. Don't assume that just because you have a job you won't be eligible. Try for everything - you might or might not need it, but it certainly can't hurt.

First think about your bank account. Depending on if you're married and the laws in your state, you may be legally able to take half or all of what's in your checking and savings accounts. If you're not married and both names are on the account, you'll also want to get legal confirmation before cleaning everything out. It's a big mistake to try to "stick it" to your abuser this way because it gives them legal ammunition against you. So DON'T DO ANYTHING without speaking to an attorney FIRST. Check the phonebook under LEGAL AID to find the Legal Aid Society in your area and speak to them to find out the laws in your state. Be aware that if you have legal claim to some or all of the money in your joint account, so does your abuser. Get there first and get what's legally yours - otherwise it may not be there when you need it.

Second, think about your credit. Do you have accounts in both names? When you call Legal Aid about your checking account, ask about your credit cards. If possible, contact the creditors and either get them to remove the abuser from the account or close the account and open a new one under your name only. In some states, this won't make any difference if you're married - so be sure to check first. Don't leave this step undone. Too many victims have been burned by partners racking up charges on joint credit cards only to find that in the middle of trying to start a new life - the collections agency is coming after THEM!

Here's a great article from the Federal Trade Commission that talks about credit problems when you have joint accounts or are going through a divorce:

http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/credit/divorce.htm

Here's a GREAT resource to learn about budgeting, restoring your credit, and getting your financial life in order:

At this point, in many ways, you're just like a teenager leaving the nest again. Your goals and priorities are the same: get out, get safe, get shelter, get settled, get employed, get educated, get ahead, get on with it.

Now that you're in a safe place and you've taken steps to stop any financial bleeding you can, it's time to think about where to live. Again, your domestic violence program is the best resource. Don't forget that you can also contact your local United Way as they will likely know of local programs that offer subsidized housing for you and your family. You'll still have to pay the same amount of rent that everyone else does, but if your circumstances warrant, local, state or federal programs can pick up at least part of the tab. If you get into financial trouble, you can contact your local county government by looking in the blue pages of the phone book or by calling your local clerk of the court/county finance office. This office disburses funds from what are called CDBG grants (Community Assistance Block Grant). The feds give money to local governments, and the local governments have programs that will write a check to your landlord for rent, to the utility companies or day care providers for you. You don't have to pay this money back, you just have to apply and meet eligibility requirements.

Don't forget that as you're starting out, you may also qualify for food stamps, even if you have a car and some money and assets (even owning a house doesn't disqualify you because your house is exempt). In Florida for example, if you have less than $500 in the bank, and you make less than $960 a month, you can get up to $139 a month in free groceries. If you have dependent children or make less income, the amount adjusts upward accordingly. You can get all the information you need on applying for food stamps at FoodUSA.org. Food stamp benefits max out at about $800 per month, depending on your financial situation and the number of mouths you're trying to feed. Food stamps are also available for legal immigrants. They will take into consideration day care expenses, housing, medical and utility costs as well, so don't assume that you're not eligible. If you're having feelings of embarrassment about using food stamps - DON'T. Everyone needs help at different times in life. This is your time, and you're doing something extremely difficult. Unlike in the past, you no longer have to hand the cashier a stack of food stamps in front of other customers. The new food stamp system issues you a card that looks and works just like an ATM card. Sometimes just getting help for a couple of months can make all the difference in the world, so before you max out your credit or use up all of your emergency cash reserve - APPLY.

If you already have a job - GREAT! If you're going to be entering the job market for the first time or have been sidelined at home for a considerable amount of time, there are a vast number of programs available to help you. Again, your local United Way office is the first place to check. They can put you in touch with programs and agencies able to help you get job training and placement. As an example, The Center for Women's Employment and Education in Denver, Colorado runs a multi-faceted program where participants get help with business attire, job skills training (like typing, computer programs, math etc), job placement, and help with day care and transportation problems. Programs like this have a great amount of experience helping people in situations just like yours, and they have comprehensive ways to cover all the bases that can cause problems for you as you start down the path to your new, independent life.

Make sure to check for a Dress for Success program in your area. They provide interview suits, confidence boosts and career development to more than 45,000 women in over 75 cities each year. Dress for Success is a not-for-profit organization that helps low-income women make tailored transitions into the workforce. Each Dress for Success client receives one suit when she has a job interview and a second suit when she gets the job. The Dress for Success Professional Women's Group program then provides ongoing support to help the client build a successful career.

Finally, there's the question of education. Everyone finds it hard to make a living on a $7.50/hour income. Even $10.00/hour is rough. Add children or medical bills to the mix, and things get even harder. Education and experience can be a great help against low income hurdles. Just the term "going back to school" is enough to send shivers down the spine of many people. School is expensive. Books are too. But let's examine some options.

First, you don't have to graduate Magna Cum Laude from Harvard to find a good job. But you'll need to know how to write, and it helps even more if you know how to type. Many of the employment programs above will help with basic computer skills training and typing. Even many temp agencies like AppleOne provide free courses in various software programs like Word and Excel. Sometimes they have jobs as simple as stuffing envelopes for $9 an hour. But as you complete more and more of their free training courses, especially computer and typing courses, you can land better and longer jobs. A friend of mine started with AppleOne in the central Florida area two years ago with no job skills and is now making better than $32,000 a year for a mortgage company! My roommate had a great time with AppleOne working at the parade of homes. She spent a Saturday and Sunday hanging out and greeting people visiting multi-million dollar Parade of Homes houses and got paid for doing it!

Don't underestimate the relief and self-confidence you'll get the very first time you write a check from your own new checking account for the rent on your own new place! Self confidence is a great sword with which to slay the dragon of fear!

In addition to temp agencies, your local community colleges are your next best resource for cheap, relevant training that'll land you employment. Courses can start at as little as $100 each - even less if you qualify for financial aid. If you're even considering going back to school - start at fafsa.ed.gov and fill out the Federal Application for Student Financial Aid. This is the document that schools will use to decide what aid you qualify for. Many community colleges also have special scholarship and grant programs specifically geared to attract female homemakers who are returning to school as adults, especially if you have dependent children. And more and more community colleges are offering child care on campus for free or dirt cheap rates.

You can also apply for a R.O.S.E. Fund Scholarship. The R.O.S.E. Scholarship acknowledges women who are survivors of violence or abuse. The R.O.S.E. Fund Scholarship Program provides financial assistance to women that are/or will be attending colleges/universities as a way of helping them with their transition from victim to survivor. This scholarship is primarily awarded to women that have successfully completed one full year of undergraduate studies. Scholarships are for tuition and expenses at any accredited college/university in New England.

You can get a certificate in business or communications with as few as 6 classes (18 credits). Most Associate degrees run about 60 credits (20 classes). You can't go wrong with business, computers or communications. Many offer two year degrees in criminal justice, paralegal, social services, and hundreds of other possibilities that may fit with your interests and enhance your employment outlook. Even better, more and more colleges are offering courses over the internet. You do the reading and assignments and email them to the professor or post them online and never have to leave the house. This is great for stay-at-home moms or if you end up working strange hours or a changing schedule.

One of the most often overlooked resources for getting a cheap college education is the credit by exam programs like CLEP and DSST/DANTES. These tests allow you to study on your own then go to a school testing office and take a test. Each multiple choice test takes about 90 minutes. Successfully passing the test (you need to score the equivalent of a C) gets you credit for the class and the class is added to your college transcript.

Tests are available for basic courses like: English I & II, Algebra, Biology, Chemistry, American Literature, British Literature, Psychology, Sociology, Human Growth and Development, Criminal Justice, Intro to Law Enforcement, World Religions, Marketing, Intro to Business, Intro to Management, Business Math, Human Resources and many more. Some tests even count as upper division credits if you're going for a Bachelor's degree. Each test costs about $50 plus a $10 to $15 free paid to the testing center. With CLEP tests, you get your score as soon as you're done with the test. DANTES takes a little longer because they come in the mail.

A good, cheap strategy is to look on Amazon.com or on eBay.com - find cheap used books about your topic - study for a couple of weeks and go take the test. There's no need to pay for full price current year college text books - the tests are very broad and not geared towards any specific text. Books a couple of years old are easier and cheaper to find and cover the material adequately enough to score well. In addition, both CLEP and DANTES provide sample tests and study guides for each subject for about $5 each (available online in PDF format).

I used both CLEP and DANTES for a total of 43 credits of my Bachelor's in Criminal Justice by getting used study guides at Amazon.com like these:

• CLEP study materials
• DANTES study materials

If you have older teenagers who will be graduating from high school soon, studying is a great activity for you to do together! Your kids can take CLEP and DANTES towards the end of their senior year in high school and already have college credits in the bank! If you wanted to take the CLEP for American Literature, go rent movies like the Great Gatsby (with Robert Redford), the Scarlet Letter (with Demi Moore), the Grapes of Wrath (with Henry Fonda), Moby Dick (with Gregory Peck), or the Roots series and make a big bowl of popcorn. Sit down and enjoy the movies. Don't forget to discuss the movies with your kids. Find out what they think - find out what they feel. It's a great way to expose them to literature, to spend quality family time (something you probably ALL need) and to get to know each other as people again.

Hopefully, this article has given you an awareness of the types of services and help that is available to you as you work on building a new, self-sustaining, and violence free life. We wish you the best and look forward to your success!

(http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/longterm.shtml)