~ Home ~

In the last several years, we've been in and out of rent houses and spent some time in a domestic violence shelter.  In all that time, I craved a place to call "home."  Home meant more to me than just a place to live.  Home meant starting fresh, settling into a job, school, regular meals, church and feeling a sense of stability.  

Our new home is such an exciting step!  It's the cutest little 3-bedroom/2-bath place with just enough space for my son and I to make it our own.  It was a foreclosure and not even on the market when I found out about it.  The realtor said it was perfect so we went to see it...and it WAS perfect!  I was advised to make an offer quickly if I was interested because there were four other offers ahead of mine.  I tried not to get my hopes up.  Two days after I made the offer, my realtor called and the bank had accepted the offer!  I couldn't believe it!

We are renovating most of the place as it was in need of some TLC.  The livingroom area was a chocolate brown and, while there's nothing wrong with that, it made the already small space look even smaller.  So...after removing all the popcorn from the ceiling and texturing everything...25 gallons of Kilz and 25 gallons of paint later.............

.............and you have a beautiful white everything!  The floors will be a rustic barn-looking wood.

I saw this picture on Pinterest and loved the reading nook.  So, that closet in the livingroom will be a reading nook similar to the one above, only much bigger.  My design for my reading nook is below.

The biggest overhaul is the kitchen.  The dark maroon walls and dark cabinets made this galley kitchen feel super teeny.  So, once again, lots of Kilz and paint......

The upper cabinets were removed and I will be doing open shelving.  I added a piece of lower cabinetry so I could have additional counter space.  One of the upper cabinets was moved to the end of the furdown.  A shelf will be added below that.  To the left of the sink will be a shallow cabinet for a small appliance garage and hidden microwave.

My original design is below.  I've changed a few things but you can get the jest: All white with pops of apple green!  I'm leaning towards doing cupcakes as a theme.  :O)  Will take more pics of progress and post the final "after" once it's all done. 

I'm more excited than I can express!  Can't wait to get moved in!

Dance, Dance, Dance

Mandisa's music just continue to speak to me.  What a powerful message each of her songs gives!  The song below just describes how I'm feeling today.  Can you speak these words with conviction and passion?!

 

Maybe you don't understand why I gotta dance
There was something had me down but it's over now
I'ma throw my hands up
Wave ‘em all in the air
‘Cause all I wanna do is dance, dance, dance

They told me you ain't good enough
Don't look good enough
Don't sing good enough
Maybe you should give it up
And if I would've then I never could've received
None of the things that He planned for me
So I waited a little longer
Grew a little stronger and then
I realized something was happening
It's so incredible, it's unexplainable
You oughta try Him for yourself and see because

Chorus

Sometimes I think about
How it used to be, and can't help but
Remembering how it was never easy for me, no, no
But the way God works, it's so amazing
He never forgot me, I can't forget Him
That's enough for me to lift my hands and
I'm sorry if you don't understand

Chorus

All my tears (it's over now)
And all my pain (it's over now)
All my doubts (it's over now)
They went away (it's over now)
No more fear (it's over now)
And I'm glad (it's over now)
Yes, so glad
‘Cause all I wanna do is dance

Chorus

(Psalm 30:11-12, Psalm 150)

Behind the Song:
“Dance, Dance, Dance”, you know if anybody has ever seen me in show they know that this is something I like to do and I can’t help it. I mean when I think about how God has set me free and when I think about how good He has been to me, when I think about where he has brought me from there’s just something that happens to me and I just want to jump up and down and dance all around and that’s what this song helps me to do." - Mandisa

The Truth Can Set You Free!

I was thinking today about the day that I found out that my ex-husband had molested at least 5 kids.  November 5th, 2010, will not soon be forgotten.  Nothing could have prepared me for it.  I knew my ex-husband was addicted to pornography and I knew that sexual addiction could take on many forms.  I had experienced that first-hand through my own sexual abuse, rape and sodomy from my ex.  When I went into that meeting with the Batterer's Intervention Program director, the worst my mind had allowed me to go was the possibility of child pornography, which is bad enough of itself.  Little did I know that he had been in direct contact with at least five innocent children.

I heard those words come from the director's mouth and I immediately collapsed into tears...it was a physical stabbing pain like nothing I'd ever experienced.  My heart literally ached.  I had experienced what they had experienced.  I had felt their pain.  The youngest of the kids he had molested was just 2 years old...the same age as my son at the time.  This was another reason this news was so crushing.

A horrible, horrific secret had just been brought to light...a secret that would change lives.  The director informed me that she had already been in contact with my attorney to begin the legal process of modifying our custody/visitation.  I sat numb in her office.  My mind was reeling. 

Feelings of inadequacy began to come over me: Why had I not seen this before now?  I was immediately reminded of God's faithfulness....

The director had told me that this information was admitted by my ex during the course of polygraph testing.  The actual polygraph test is not usually admissible in court.  But the admission happened before and after the testing, which allowed the polygrapher to report it.  What made my ex admit these things to the polygrapher, I will probably never know.  But I DO know that we serve a God who cares for children.

I'd been praying fervently about how to give my son over to God.  I struggled with this and even told God that I needed Him to "show me" how He could protect my son better than I could.  (Not in a rude way but in completely honesty.)  After months of crying and praying, I had my answer.  It was as if God was "showing me."  I could never have guessed that my ex had molested children or forced him to admit to it...but God...God knew what He was doing.

Lives were changed:
- God spoke to me in a powerful way about trusting Him.
- My son was protected from a child molester.
- My ex-husband's sin found him out.

Hurting children in any way (in my mind) is one of those "unforgivable" things.  I'm glad I'm not God because He forgives those "unforgivable" things where I would struggle.  And I did struggle long and hard with finding forgiveness in my heart towards my abuser.  What I learned is that forgiveness is not an option.  God says that we will be forgiven in the same measure that we forgive others. 

Not only is forgiveness not an option, it is a choice.  I had to stand in the midst of unbearable pain and choose to forgive my abuser.  I had to speak out loud the words, "I choose to forgive ____ for __________________."  Asking God to "help me" forgive wasn't actually forgiving.  When I would ask for God's "help" to forgive, I was continually tormented with the same hurts, the same pain, over and over again because I wasn't yet making a choice to forgive.  But, when I voiced my choice to forgive, I was free from the bitterness, anger and resentment I held towards my abuser.

Sin will always find you out...no matter how desperately you may try to hide it.  My ex got wrapped up in his sin; he allowed it to enslave him.  But, even my ex-husband can find forgiveness at the feet of Jesus!  Those "unforgivable" sins that I, as a human being struggle to reconcile, God forgives without a second thought.  Forgiveness has already been offered...it just has to be accepted.

But the truth...the truth will set you free!  Up to this point, my ex-husband has been unwilling to recognize the pain he has caused for other people, the sin in his life that is so blatant.  He made a choice to inflict pain but, if he were to acknowledge the sin in his life, own it, take responsibility for it and turn it over to God in humility, God would take it, wad it up and chuck it as far as the East is from the West...God would forget all about it! 

Above and beyond owning the sin, God requires repentance, which just means to turn and walk the other way.  When we make a 180 in life, we allow God access to those parts of our lives for Him to clean them out and purify our thoughts, actions and motivations.  We no longer need to be in control!  We can humbly reconcile and make-right those things that we have done to others without using it to manipulate them.  (That doesn't mean that relationship can/will ever be what it once was but there is freedom for the one seeking reconciliation.)

My prayer is that my ex, and anyone else who may be living in denial about their past for whatever reason, will come to the realization that God can forgive those sins that may seem "unforgivable."  He's able and He's willing.  Secret sin only binds...but God's truth can free anyone!

FREEDOM!

My life and the life of my son forever changed on March 5^th, 2009.  It was on this day that I made a decision: a choice to be free.  Freedom is something we all experience in one way or another: freedom of speech, religion, etc.  By being an American, we automatically have certain freedoms.  One thing I never thought I’d want or need freedom from was my husband and my marriage.

My son was only 3 months old when I made this decision.  Little did I know what he and I would experience over the next 3 years.  Now, at the end of what has been the hardest 3 years of my life, I am thankful.  My thankfulness extends from a heart filled to overflowing with God’s peace and joy!  He has taught me so much through the deathly valleys and nightmarish alleys.  It has made me a strong, God-dependent person and I am forever grateful.

During the first year after leaving my husband, my young son and I lived in shelter, on welfare and in terror.  After a very long year, our divorce was made final and my ex-husband was ordered to attend Batterer’s Intervention through Synergy Services.  Once he graduated from that program, he would have unsupervised visits with my son.  Until then, visits would be supervised every week for two hours through a local visitation program and for a few hours every other weekend at my ex’s apartment.

Three weeks prior to my ex’s graduation from the Batterer’s program, he was required to take a polygraph test.  The polygraph test came back 99% deceptive (i.e. my ex lied through the entire test).  During the course of the polygraph test, my ex admitted to molesting at least 5 kids before I met him.  When the report came back to the program’s director, they immediately contacted my attorney.  They called me in to tell me the results.  I will never forget November 5, 2010.  I was in a state of shock for quite a while. 

The very day that he had gone to take the polygraph test, he came straight from that test to a visit with my son and I (as an attempt to make it easier to transition to no supervision).  Even after admitting to molesting children, he was able to come to a visit with us and act like none of it had happened.  It’s beyond appalling…it’s disgusting!  At that visit with him, I went back and forth wondering if I could ever trust him in any way again.  But once I met with the director and heard the admission, there was an immediate emotional disconnect from my ex.  No more did I wonder if I could ever trust him…I knew I could not and would not.  No more did I wonder if there could have been a future for us…I knew there could not and would not.

My ex was sent to a Sex Offender’s program and instructed to complete that program and return to the Batterer’s program.  We began to pursue a modification of our parenting plan so that I would get sole physical custody as well as the sole legal custody I got from our divorce.  We were also seeking no-contact between my son and my ex, considering the new information we had.  We waited and waited for a trial date to be assigned.  Finally, we were told in early 2011 that our trial would not be until October 18, 2011.  I thought that day would never come.

Just a couple weeks before trial, my ex’s attorney dropped him for not paying his attorney fees.  He remained unrepresented at the trial.  We called 3 expert witnesses: the Batterer Intervention program director, my ex’s group therapist at the same program and the polygrapher.  All three agreed that my ex was a threat to the general public as well as to myself and my son because he had dropped out of all therapy, claiming to be sufficiently fixed, even though he admitted that his pornography use as a sexual addict had continued. 

The judge’s verdict finally came on December 12, 2011, over a year since the process began.  The verdict was as follows:

* I would receive sole physical and legal custody

* There was to be no contact between my son and my ex

* My ex was ordered to pay double the child support he’d been paying

* He was ordered to pay 1 year worth of back child support (approx. $4,000)

* He was ordered to pay my legal fees from the custody trial (approx. $10,000)

* He was ordered to maintain insurance on my son as well as pay 80% of all uninsured medical expenses

We waited the 30 days for the verdict to finalize and then submitted our notice of relocation.  We will be moving to Texas and starting fresh!  Since my ex has not complied with the judge’s orders to pay child support or provide medical insurance for my son, we are being allowed to move months sooner than anticipated!  God is so good!

Freedom takes on a whole new meaning when you’ve had to fight for it.  Being born into certain freedoms makes many take them for granted.  Having fought long and hard for freedom from my abuser, I appreciate the freedom in a whole new way!

My son will grow up free from the negative influence, free from the demons of sexual addictions, free from the manipulation, free from the abuse, free to grow into a strong, honest man that loves God and cares for the feelings of others.  No longer do we have to hide from the past.  No longer do we live in fear of the future!

March 5^th, 2009, was a life-changing day.  After telling my husband I was leaving him, I never thought I’d be happy again, free again.  But, while that day began an arduous journey for me and my son, we have come out on the other side stronger than ever before, happier than ever before and freer than ever before!

Thanks be to God!